wake up call

Ambition without the drive to fuel it is like having
an engine without the body of a car.

My new year's resolution was: to have fun. fun
meaning: to thrive, to press forward and continue in
life and do great things. To burn. To use my youthful
energy to do amazing stuff. All this sounded easy in
the the beautiful , shining city of london, so
different from the stagnant and stuffy small town I
live in. In israel.

I came back to israel with drive that I earned in
england. 9 days changed me into a different person.
Within a 2 weeks of getting back, I dyed my hair
bright pink at the ends, quit my job, and had a friend
over from south africa for 5 days (something that
wasn't easy for me to do before).

I felt like I was well on my way to something. To some
sort of goal.
Then I sort of didn't get another job. Because I
wanted to concentrate my energies on getting the best
score possible on my university entrance exams. Then I
sort of got a boyfriend. He's coming in april to
visit. another long distance thing.

I talk to him every night on the internet but I have
been ignoring what I should think about because I have
lost the drive. Once more I am wandering aimlessly
about.

But I'm not depressed or lonely anymore. I'm just sort
of stagnant, not moving, putting my life on hold.

It's just that it feels right, in a way.

I don't want to worry because I think worrying is
futile and a waste of energy but am I not thinking
either? I think the latter is true.