(disclaimer: forgive tpos and bad grammar. come on, my fingers barely work at this hour.)

It's twelve past 5 am on the thirteenth of september. my mother's birthday and rosh hashanah.

The reason I'm awake is I had a bad dream. I went to sleep dressed too warmly and had a night-ghast, as Lyra (courtesy of fab Phil) would put it.

For some reason I dreamed of a huge airport again, very like ben gurion airport in design. I was yelling at my sister and acting like a huge grown up brat. my dad told me to repack again, my bags were falling open again. My ayurvedic doctor was there. I was so angry with my ssiter for some reason. I believe this is an echo of real life irritation with her. Then I remember waking up, the airport surrounded with fog, my family nowhere. And there were tons of people there. They were just standing around. I went into the next area and the announcer said, woow that's a clever girl for going to the seating area. then i went and looked closer at the fog through huge windows- it was showing houses at the edges. THen something said, the reason there is so much fog is that we had to make a copy of the real airport and hide this one - and then the fog formed into hands and snatched at me. The reason they had to hide the airport is because of events too horrible for me to recall. must have blocked'em out. the mysterious airporty-official horror of this all, the airline suppressed terror, my missing family - no wonder I panicked and woke myself up. I think I also have PTSD from the bad turbulence on the airplane and my sister's anxiety.

when i woke up I understood very emphatically about how we are all really afrai, not of what's out there, but what's in our selves - the very worst things we're capable of, the loki within, the smiling, pyschotically grinning, cackling little goblin with our faces on it - with glinting eyes, crouched over behind every corner, hiding behind the washbasket.

at least that's what i'm afraid of. and I think I've been watching too much tv.

as i watch these words appear on the screen of my maccy (it's a bit slow to catch up with my typing speed) I wonder if perhaps I'm paying for the delish 2-3 hour nap I had yesterday afternoon.
lord, but I am a sleep-rat and a half.